How to Have a Threesome, Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship
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Third time’s the charm? More like: add a third, have a climax!
Today we’re talking all things three-ways.
Whether you’re monogamous, monogam-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, you’ll find something in this beginner’s guide for you.
The definition of threesome is probably looser than you think it is.
Ready? A threesome is sex between three people.
And sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that happens in person or with the help of technology, as defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.
So a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or an Eiffel Tower.
“Threesomes aren’t a cure-all for a broken relationship,” says certified intimacy educator and sex coach Stella Harris, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.”
“The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in a pre-established relationship’s stability,” she says.
Basically, a threesome is the opposite of a Band-Aid.
“For threesomes to go smoothly when there’s an existing couple involved, that relationship already needs to be solid,” she adds.
A solid relationship is one in which you can:
- talk about both your wins and insecurities
- hear your partner and feel heard by your partner
- trust each other
Think about it: A threesome offers more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.
So the most common reason people have threesomes is to experience pleasure.
But there are other reasons, too. You might want:
- to learn more about your sexual self
- to explore your sexual or gender identity
- to fulfill a fantasy
- to increase intimacy and communication between partners
And, hey, taboos can be hot!
Who’s having them — or wants to?
The disparity between the number of folks who want to have a threesome and the number of folks actually having them is probably a lot larger than you’ve been led to believe.
Ready?
According to a survey of 4,175 adults conducted by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of “ Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life,” 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasize about having sex with more than one person.
The survey didn’t break this fantasy down into specifics, so this figure could include other forms of group sex, too.
All that said, some researchTrusted Source suggests that only 10 percent of women and 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome. Sigh.
It’s important to note that neither the survey nor the 2017 study mentioned above polled folks of other genders.
A sad consequence of living in a sex-negative society is that many often assume that threesomes are reserved for the kinkiest among us.
While there’s nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that engaging in group sex doesn’t have to say anything about who you are.
